:: a gift from Virgo ::

S.K. <3

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:: random free write ::

Silence yields more results
If i speak in an accusatory tone
It does more to discredit me
So...i say nothing...
Ignoring the urge to shout my disdain
With the petulant fool you became...or started to show.

We speak of of Karma in a negative light
I am one to believe the universe brings what you have given it
No one justifies how fast or how far it reaches
No one can impose it

And if it appears you have slid away with purpose
That your course is righteous
That all the insolence that was once a part of my spirit
Is without cause...
Then...your journey will be free
...but your conscious will ultimately pay.

(I have no idea where i was going with this...sooo...yeah.)

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:: a word on the universe ::

If you have ever read The Alchemist...the ending describes how much i feel the universe laughing with me...instead of at me. I have exchanged math with this woman for 5+ years...avoiding the obviousness of the connection we have been building...all this time...all this time...right in my face...*laughs*

Alright universe...you got me...again. i will let you keep the reins in your hands from now moving forward. Everything i suffered in every relationship was for this moment. I cannot describe the joy i feel...nor can i describe Us. But i am, finally, exactly where i was meant to Be...and you do not have to believe me....you just have to remember. This isn't a fluke. Jumping the gun. Feeling the butterflies in the beginning. Trying to stifle the pain of lost love. None of that. The universe has led Us here. Together. Right where we should be. I love her.

*smiles*

As you all were.

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:: pause for the poetic cause ::

"Elemental Me"

I am water
Life force
Nature replenisher
Movement when disturbed
Cleanser of the soiled
Promise of renewal

I am earth
Steeped deep in tradition
Rich in nutrients
Abused and unappreciated
Forgiving and strong

I am wind
Four corner hugger
Cloud pimp pusher
Sky ridge glider
Lung decompresser
Fast stride with purpose

I am fire
Destructive in the wild
Comforting in the cold
Necessary for food processing
Gentle when standing alone
Exciting and scary always

I am You...You are We...We are Us
Join hands now...
and let Our energies
Be.

As you were.

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:: unsent #2 ::

Dear You:

10 years have passed since we last crossed paths. We've spoken here and there since then trying to maintain a friendship after the dog and pony show. It seems we'd head down the path of well wishes and quickly get blown asunder all because i could not and would not give you what you wanted.

I overstand why you wanted it...me. that is not a moment of arrogance but the truth is i have watched you kill yourself slowly...thinking this is a good punishment for how you treated me. We're older now...and a lot more has happened in each of our lives since then. I forgive you. Start living. You deserve to be happy too. Take that into your spirit...if these words should ever befall your eyes.

Love always,
me

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:: unsent #1 ::

Dear You,

I hope life is treating you well. It appears that way from my distant observation. Years ago, we had an opportunity to develop...something. I am not sure what it was but I know it did not start off the right way. I was in a relationship and you were you. I want to say, for the record, that my interest in you was very real and that i did not see you as a potential mistress. You exposed the cracks in my unhappiness more than you know but...you also made me take a good hard look at who EYE was as a person. To this day, i still think you are beautiful but i no longer desire you this way. Maybe if you can ever get past the person you think i am and see me, we could be good friends....or maybe we'll just be what we are now. Strangers...that exchanged a brief moment of recognition between us...and now we exchange...nothing. Either way, if you ever come across this, you'll know its meant for you. And i hope you feel the sincerity in my words.

Peace,
Me

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:: not so random thoughts ::

Putting aside how you feel about someone does not mean negating civility. This is something i learned not so long ago. I also learned that if a person can shun you at one of the lowest points in your life and you have little to no communication with them, it is a good idea that you do not.

The past 2 weeks have been overly dramatic for no reason at all. Somewhere i spinned off of the course the universe put me on and spiraled out to some unknown destination. When you go against what is already written, the results are HORRIBLE and just because you are use to things not being okay doesn't mean you should indulge in self sabotaging behavior. I know because i just did that to myself recently and did not recognize it until this very moment.

I don't know what course i am on now...but what i am certain of is i won't deter my own happiness anymore and i will not relapse into the mouth of insanity again. Dealing with what i have dealt with has caused me to burn bridges that i normally wouldn't even contemplate burning but some part of the universe is telling me that whatever was on the other side wasn't for me. Therefore, i am ok with this...saddened yes but ok.

Never will i engage in an interaction with a spirit destroyer again. This is a person that poisons your very existence and yet always wants to play the victim. Some of these individuals are genuinely so selfish that they don't see what they are doing in draining the life force out of you but they always call foul on you. Diverting. Or half embracing the toxin they spread in your soul...only laying notice to it if you notice it. Don't be a victim of it, good people. See it and dead it from jump. I made the mistake of not doing so and it has made me SO jaded that i have to spiritually cleanse often just to be sure it isn't me....because it isn't YOU.

Someone may need those words this morning. Nothing further.

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:: verbal ::

I admire your desire to keep quiet
Observe me in unrequited awe but i see you...
The butterflies dance high and in ceremonious fancy
Expecting nothing but we anticipate everything

Give in to the inevitable...for resisting my charm is useless
i am no hiccup...holding your breath won't make me go away
Exhale easy...smell the possible mixed with the could be and go...
Allow your nasal passages to be...still.

Entice you with idle conversation
Stimulate you with the click clack of qwerty keyboard stroke...
it goes long...and reaches deep...
Touching you without the physical is a skill set that only few boast

But see...this isn't about sex...
I offer you intimacy of my mind...
Discovering passages unhinged...
Relaxing in the comfort of good company

Exchanging the pleasurable
Enjoying the right now
slowly...but surely...give in cause...
I've been waiting to talk to you...


As you were.

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:: processing ::

There is a moment of clarity that we all experience...its not all dramatic and extra like one may see in a film...but you still have the feeling of fresh air being rushed through your lungs. I think this is my moment again.

Often times, i have read the statement over and over again that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result...that is the mantra that i have been subjecting myself to for the last 3 months...maybe longer. I intend not to do this anymore...no matter how hard it gets...its part of the territory of walking the road less traveled.

If i have any say in my destiny, no matter if it is manifest, i get to stop this grueling slamming of my heart. If it is said, then it is true and i do not take kindly to anyone not sweeping around their own front door...so now i am doing the same thing...cleaning up and keeping tidy. This resonates mostly with my mental state, for it has been so disheveled as of late that i cannot tell if i am coming or going...that stopped 2 days ago...at the moment when i decided to think AND act logically. It is better this way. And i am determined to keep pressing forward.

In the end, its just me here. Love the skin you're in good people...but if the soul needs to be cleansed and reborn...open your legs and PUSH....or something.

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:: so since i'm awake... ::

...let me get this out the way.

You know a person has been called out on their shullbit when they go into hiding. The most explicit form of cowardice. I found your lies and now you want to hide? Now you shirking your responsibility in all of this?

I once read a blog entry from a young woman that i never met who went through the same EXACT thing that i am going through right now. I remember these words over everything i read in that entry: "after all i've done for you, this is how you do me?".

This is borderline sad. And i have never been more frustrated and angry with myself than i am now. And everything in me wants to get revenge. And i am very capable of doing it in silent fashion...but the small logical part of me that is being drowned out by all the voices of vengeance is saying "peace be still.". Alright then. I'm listening. Whether or not i adhere to that mantra...i cannot say right now. Because everybody is mad...and with so much going on in the world in only takes a finger snap to get swift justice.

I don't know, good people that are reading this...the space i am in mentally is not healthy. If i do not disconnect soon, i will act on my pain. I know me. So i'm shutting everything down for a awhile. Retreating to the country. This is getting out of hand. Really.

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:: 1:20am ::

I'm trying to sleep...and this song is circling in my brain...over...and over....


"The One I Gave My Heart To"

How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break My Heart So Bad? How Could The One Who Made Me Happy, Make Me Feel So Sad? Wont Somebody Tell Me? So I Can Understand. If You Love Me, How Could You Hurt Me Like That? How Could The One I Gave My World To, Throw My World Away? How Could The One Who Said I Love You, Say The Things You Say? How Could The One I Was So True Too, Just Tell Me Lies? How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break This Heart Of Mine? Tell Me........ How Could You Be So Cold To Me? When I Gave You Everything. All My Love, All I Had Inside. How Could you Just Walk Out The Door? How Could You Not Love Me Anymore? I Thought We Had Forever. I Cant Understand. How Could The One I Shared My Dreams With, Take My Dreams From me? How Could The Love That Brought Such Pleasure, Bring Such Misery? Wont Somebody Tell Me? Somebody Tell Me Please. If You Love Me, How Could You Do That To Me? Tell Me........

...this can't be life...

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::: give it away :::

"Empty"

Had to lose myself
Flip the coin and turn the page
Get back to regular status
Give up insanity for crazy

Sometimes the tainted become jaded
Searching for honesty in a wall of fear
Walking forward but moving backwards
Good heart i got it...and that makes me a target

I will turn inside myself unto myself to find the light
Darkness is the residual output
Lay hands on my spirit to bring it back to life
No one can see the death inside me

I try to make sense of the pieces of calligraphy
Assimilated to show what i can't say
Silent tears bring me closer to absolving the guilt
Being here...at this moment...brings no closure

Just questions that cannot be answered because i won't ask them.....and still i remain a pillar of strength...although i have yet to turn into more than salt.

As you all were.

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:: erotica # ??? ::

"get plenty"

sahara desert...that is what comes to mind
Most prefer to rewind time...but me...i'm pause
Whatever moments i have to relish in intimacy
I wanna blink and capture small snapshots of my being great and you being...yum.

I remember your perfume...less citrusy more ylang ylang
Breathing in intoxication and blinded by the sunshine of your smile...no teeth...still big.
Warm even...an invitation to return the volley and serve of "hello."

That was years ago...and rolling over to awaken your shoulder blades with my lips is everything...
Watching the liveliness roll into your eyelids as you fight sleep to give me love...you speak: "morning baby."
Light smile and knowing exchanges ensue...

So rather than take my time...
i place hands around your queendom to see you've been dreaming of pools....
Far be it for me to not let you finish your thought process...i can give you more knowledge

Your light protests are cute...but why are your legs opening wider?
That is an invitation to common sense and overstanding...
so if i multipy that by flipping the reciprocal...you rest comfortably on my face.

A feral groan emits from your throat...yeah you're awake now...
And in the process of saving a horse by riding my tongue...
Flood waters increase with reverberations throughout your body...
Pulsations between passion and you begging me to stop...eyes don't lie baby...

Pulling fitted sheets between fingers and adjusting rhythm...slowing the pace...i watch your mouth open but with no sounds...
Tight grip of my locks and visceral convulsions let me know what you couldn't say...to which i reply: "good morning."

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:: for the new year ::

"2011's poem"

what's up sexy...i have been waiting for you

wanting to embrace the promise of your tomorrow's

kiss the possibility of being beyond existing

relish in the the thought of you and I

i gave that 2010 hoe a try...but she didn't want to act right

besides you there is no other

i am enjoying your company, so stay awhile

a complete circle is what i'm aiming for...plus 5

i give you the utmost attention even when you don't demand it

most would look so far into the future that they ignore the right now

but baby you got me...hook, line, and sinker

the vibrations you give me have equaled none thus far

i appreciate the chance to show you a different side of the life

filled with less drama and more perserverance

more hustler spirit and less acceptance of the mudane

i give you excitement just by speaking you into existence

trust me i don't need nose strips to breathe right

cause as long as air quality is sufficient, i can inhale your essence

take it in my lungs and speak from my diaphragm

proclaiming to all with a thunderous resolve that you are mine to own...and none come between us

2011 i embrace you

invoke your right to exist

my next days look so promising with you

you have my heart...don't break it.

as you all were.

:: 1-1-11 ::

i think this is the first time i have typed in this blog from a computer since...March of last year. All of the other entries were done from my Hero.

it has been quite the year. 2010. the only thing i could think to do is to wave a white flag of surrender when it was all said and done. i am grateful to know that there were people out there who experienced a multitude of good blessings and overall upliftment. I had my spots of such but in all honesty, it really did suck for me.

Lately, i have been thinking about my past. Yes, yes i know. doesn't seem like a place i should visit often. It is the curious side of me that wants to know why whatever didn't work the way that I'd envisioned it...then i remember that whole "best laid plans of mice and men" quote.

The past year i have had my heart broken more times than i can count...either by my own hand or someone else's...i have tried, in vain, to separate the pain from the memory...it is a struggle to say the least...wounds with no scab to process the healing...and it seems that my mental state wants to grieve...needs to go through these fluctuating emotions of questioning my worth to...well anyone....even self. because after so much REJECTION, you really start to feel that all of that arrogance in being the shit only occupies the residual output that is one's own mind...and no one elses.

It is common knowledge if you keep experiencing the same outcome with different people, there is something in you that keeps drawing these type of people to you...i thought this was a lesson that i learned but it is obvious by the tumultousness of last year that i am still a work in progress. still having to shed the notion that i have "it" already.

No one really gets me. It use to bring me great joy that i was enigma...now, as i draw closer to old age(lol), it is more of a nuisance than anything. so here's a cut and dry list of things about me you should know if you are reading this: 1) i am very sensitive. if i allow you to get close to me, you will see this more often than not. 2) i am extra damn shy...still...at this age. 3)if there is something that is out there that i want, and i want bad enough, i WILL get it. shy nature, notwithstanding. 4) i have a hustler's spirit and a warrior's heart. if you do not know what that means, i can't help you. 5)i love hard....especially those who later down the line show me that they never deserved it. this is in reference to the previous entry about being exhausted with healing people. i am over THAT phase but still, in general, i love HARD.

my growth is forever growing. rest your understanding on that.

as you were. 2011 style.