:: processing ::

There is a moment of clarity that we all experience...its not all dramatic and extra like one may see in a film...but you still have the feeling of fresh air being rushed through your lungs. I think this is my moment again.

Often times, i have read the statement over and over again that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result...that is the mantra that i have been subjecting myself to for the last 3 months...maybe longer. I intend not to do this anymore...no matter how hard it gets...its part of the territory of walking the road less traveled.

If i have any say in my destiny, no matter if it is manifest, i get to stop this grueling slamming of my heart. If it is said, then it is true and i do not take kindly to anyone not sweeping around their own front door...so now i am doing the same thing...cleaning up and keeping tidy. This resonates mostly with my mental state, for it has been so disheveled as of late that i cannot tell if i am coming or going...that stopped 2 days ago...at the moment when i decided to think AND act logically. It is better this way. And i am determined to keep pressing forward.

In the end, its just me here. Love the skin you're in good people...but if the soul needs to be cleansed and reborn...open your legs and PUSH....or something.

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:: so since i'm awake... ::

...let me get this out the way.

You know a person has been called out on their shullbit when they go into hiding. The most explicit form of cowardice. I found your lies and now you want to hide? Now you shirking your responsibility in all of this?

I once read a blog entry from a young woman that i never met who went through the same EXACT thing that i am going through right now. I remember these words over everything i read in that entry: "after all i've done for you, this is how you do me?".

This is borderline sad. And i have never been more frustrated and angry with myself than i am now. And everything in me wants to get revenge. And i am very capable of doing it in silent fashion...but the small logical part of me that is being drowned out by all the voices of vengeance is saying "peace be still.". Alright then. I'm listening. Whether or not i adhere to that mantra...i cannot say right now. Because everybody is mad...and with so much going on in the world in only takes a finger snap to get swift justice.

I don't know, good people that are reading this...the space i am in mentally is not healthy. If i do not disconnect soon, i will act on my pain. I know me. So i'm shutting everything down for a awhile. Retreating to the country. This is getting out of hand. Really.

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:: 1:20am ::

I'm trying to sleep...and this song is circling in my brain...over...and over....


"The One I Gave My Heart To"

How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break My Heart So Bad? How Could The One Who Made Me Happy, Make Me Feel So Sad? Wont Somebody Tell Me? So I Can Understand. If You Love Me, How Could You Hurt Me Like That? How Could The One I Gave My World To, Throw My World Away? How Could The One Who Said I Love You, Say The Things You Say? How Could The One I Was So True Too, Just Tell Me Lies? How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break This Heart Of Mine? Tell Me........ How Could You Be So Cold To Me? When I Gave You Everything. All My Love, All I Had Inside. How Could you Just Walk Out The Door? How Could You Not Love Me Anymore? I Thought We Had Forever. I Cant Understand. How Could The One I Shared My Dreams With, Take My Dreams From me? How Could The Love That Brought Such Pleasure, Bring Such Misery? Wont Somebody Tell Me? Somebody Tell Me Please. If You Love Me, How Could You Do That To Me? Tell Me........

...this can't be life...

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::: give it away :::

"Empty"

Had to lose myself
Flip the coin and turn the page
Get back to regular status
Give up insanity for crazy

Sometimes the tainted become jaded
Searching for honesty in a wall of fear
Walking forward but moving backwards
Good heart i got it...and that makes me a target

I will turn inside myself unto myself to find the light
Darkness is the residual output
Lay hands on my spirit to bring it back to life
No one can see the death inside me

I try to make sense of the pieces of calligraphy
Assimilated to show what i can't say
Silent tears bring me closer to absolving the guilt
Being here...at this moment...brings no closure

Just questions that cannot be answered because i won't ask them.....and still i remain a pillar of strength...although i have yet to turn into more than salt.

As you all were.

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