:: 1:20am ::

I'm trying to sleep...and this song is circling in my brain...over...and over....


"The One I Gave My Heart To"

How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break My Heart So Bad? How Could The One Who Made Me Happy, Make Me Feel So Sad? Wont Somebody Tell Me? So I Can Understand. If You Love Me, How Could You Hurt Me Like That? How Could The One I Gave My World To, Throw My World Away? How Could The One Who Said I Love You, Say The Things You Say? How Could The One I Was So True Too, Just Tell Me Lies? How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break This Heart Of Mine? Tell Me........ How Could You Be So Cold To Me? When I Gave You Everything. All My Love, All I Had Inside. How Could you Just Walk Out The Door? How Could You Not Love Me Anymore? I Thought We Had Forever. I Cant Understand. How Could The One I Shared My Dreams With, Take My Dreams From me? How Could The Love That Brought Such Pleasure, Bring Such Misery? Wont Somebody Tell Me? Somebody Tell Me Please. If You Love Me, How Could You Do That To Me? Tell Me........

...this can't be life...

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::: give it away :::

"Empty"

Had to lose myself
Flip the coin and turn the page
Get back to regular status
Give up insanity for crazy

Sometimes the tainted become jaded
Searching for honesty in a wall of fear
Walking forward but moving backwards
Good heart i got it...and that makes me a target

I will turn inside myself unto myself to find the light
Darkness is the residual output
Lay hands on my spirit to bring it back to life
No one can see the death inside me

I try to make sense of the pieces of calligraphy
Assimilated to show what i can't say
Silent tears bring me closer to absolving the guilt
Being here...at this moment...brings no closure

Just questions that cannot be answered because i won't ask them.....and still i remain a pillar of strength...although i have yet to turn into more than salt.

As you all were.

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:: erotica # ??? ::

"get plenty"

sahara desert...that is what comes to mind
Most prefer to rewind time...but me...i'm pause
Whatever moments i have to relish in intimacy
I wanna blink and capture small snapshots of my being great and you being...yum.

I remember your perfume...less citrusy more ylang ylang
Breathing in intoxication and blinded by the sunshine of your smile...no teeth...still big.
Warm even...an invitation to return the volley and serve of "hello."

That was years ago...and rolling over to awaken your shoulder blades with my lips is everything...
Watching the liveliness roll into your eyelids as you fight sleep to give me love...you speak: "morning baby."
Light smile and knowing exchanges ensue...

So rather than take my time...
i place hands around your queendom to see you've been dreaming of pools....
Far be it for me to not let you finish your thought process...i can give you more knowledge

Your light protests are cute...but why are your legs opening wider?
That is an invitation to common sense and overstanding...
so if i multipy that by flipping the reciprocal...you rest comfortably on my face.

A feral groan emits from your throat...yeah you're awake now...
And in the process of saving a horse by riding my tongue...
Flood waters increase with reverberations throughout your body...
Pulsations between passion and you begging me to stop...eyes don't lie baby...

Pulling fitted sheets between fingers and adjusting rhythm...slowing the pace...i watch your mouth open but with no sounds...
Tight grip of my locks and visceral convulsions let me know what you couldn't say...to which i reply: "good morning."

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:: for the new year ::

"2011's poem"

what's up sexy...i have been waiting for you

wanting to embrace the promise of your tomorrow's

kiss the possibility of being beyond existing

relish in the the thought of you and I

i gave that 2010 hoe a try...but she didn't want to act right

besides you there is no other

i am enjoying your company, so stay awhile

a complete circle is what i'm aiming for...plus 5

i give you the utmost attention even when you don't demand it

most would look so far into the future that they ignore the right now

but baby you got me...hook, line, and sinker

the vibrations you give me have equaled none thus far

i appreciate the chance to show you a different side of the life

filled with less drama and more perserverance

more hustler spirit and less acceptance of the mudane

i give you excitement just by speaking you into existence

trust me i don't need nose strips to breathe right

cause as long as air quality is sufficient, i can inhale your essence

take it in my lungs and speak from my diaphragm

proclaiming to all with a thunderous resolve that you are mine to own...and none come between us

2011 i embrace you

invoke your right to exist

my next days look so promising with you

you have my heart...don't break it.

as you all were.

:: 1-1-11 ::

i think this is the first time i have typed in this blog from a computer since...March of last year. All of the other entries were done from my Hero.

it has been quite the year. 2010. the only thing i could think to do is to wave a white flag of surrender when it was all said and done. i am grateful to know that there were people out there who experienced a multitude of good blessings and overall upliftment. I had my spots of such but in all honesty, it really did suck for me.

Lately, i have been thinking about my past. Yes, yes i know. doesn't seem like a place i should visit often. It is the curious side of me that wants to know why whatever didn't work the way that I'd envisioned it...then i remember that whole "best laid plans of mice and men" quote.

The past year i have had my heart broken more times than i can count...either by my own hand or someone else's...i have tried, in vain, to separate the pain from the memory...it is a struggle to say the least...wounds with no scab to process the healing...and it seems that my mental state wants to grieve...needs to go through these fluctuating emotions of questioning my worth to...well anyone....even self. because after so much REJECTION, you really start to feel that all of that arrogance in being the shit only occupies the residual output that is one's own mind...and no one elses.

It is common knowledge if you keep experiencing the same outcome with different people, there is something in you that keeps drawing these type of people to you...i thought this was a lesson that i learned but it is obvious by the tumultousness of last year that i am still a work in progress. still having to shed the notion that i have "it" already.

No one really gets me. It use to bring me great joy that i was enigma...now, as i draw closer to old age(lol), it is more of a nuisance than anything. so here's a cut and dry list of things about me you should know if you are reading this: 1) i am very sensitive. if i allow you to get close to me, you will see this more often than not. 2) i am extra damn shy...still...at this age. 3)if there is something that is out there that i want, and i want bad enough, i WILL get it. shy nature, notwithstanding. 4) i have a hustler's spirit and a warrior's heart. if you do not know what that means, i can't help you. 5)i love hard....especially those who later down the line show me that they never deserved it. this is in reference to the previous entry about being exhausted with healing people. i am over THAT phase but still, in general, i love HARD.

my growth is forever growing. rest your understanding on that.

as you were. 2011 style.

>: quickie :<

No this isn't that type of blog...pervs...just a quick rant about something. I am really over the universe sending tragic people into my square. Its getting a bit annoying at this age.

This Piscean martyr crap is over rated. I want out. Everybody wants me to save them or needs me to save them...but just who in the hell saves me? I have singularly scanned my every interaction with people and not one of them would prick their fingers for me...except Spike...and Koren...and Iman. I suppose that is why they are still around to this day, in some form or another.

This blog really has no point...just that i am over being a healer. Its not something i can buy my way out of but dammit i'm gonna be more selective about where my energy is dispensed. You pimps with a tragedy are working my nerves. Really.

As you were. Or better yet, Be different.

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>: realize, real lies :<

Seems like the order of the day is confusion...everyone is trying to fight their way out of a paper bag or finally using the third eye to see what the other two kept missing.

It took me until this very age for everything to start collectively making SENSE. All those questions that i had in my early 20's were NOT answered...i instead began to accept, with my analytical self, that everything doesn't require an answer...and THAT is the lesson to be learned...taken within one's spirit.

If you have lived a full life, at some point you say to self(or should say) "time to focus". Yes you do this in your youth but i don't think one takes it seriously, unless you are hella ambitious...which shouldn't suggest that i am not. Its just...i guess i have a higher propensity to not give a hoot about situations i cannot change...it is truely an exercise in futility.

The moral of this blog entry is simply put by a quote from God's Son himself, Nas: "No matter what clouds are true...eventually the sun will come out...and you cannot stop the sun from shining."

As you were...or will be.

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>: *taps mic* :<

My past few blog entries have been nothing but poems. I've pretty much tried to avoid the shit storms that are a taking place in the world over the past few months.

First off, has anyone noticed the number of planes that appear to be falling out of the sky at an alarming rate? This does nothing to surpress my inane fear of traveling by way of them. I am not sure if those responsible for the maintenance of them are falling asleep at the wheel or if the planes are just poorly made to begin with...either way, i will not be visiting any airports anytime soon thankYOUverymuch.

I noticed as well that Kanye decided to get back to the music...which i respectfully (ha!) requested via Twitter awhile ago...i appreciate you sir.

The Republicans are now spelled T-e-a P-a-r-t-y. I honestly believe that most Americans are so ready for things to change that they succumbed to the belief that anything is better than nothing....when you're getting nowhere FAST. Need I remind these people that Rome wasn't built in a day...and when speaking to most of these people, who are so hell bent on painting a pic of the President as the antichrist, they have absolutely forgotten how this country got in this jagged off position in the first place.

Which brings me to my next piece of ranting...Bush defined why he was/is such a douche bag this past week. Stating that Kanye caling him a racist was the worst moment in his presidency is just...craziness...illuminated. You are an embarassment to history sir....but in the same breathe, a primary example of how NOT to win friends and influence people. You cannot change what is already written and like it or not, you SUCKED as the President of this country. Thee end.

A volcano is erupting....the economy is on a very slow path to recovery....Glenn Beck is still an idiot...Tyler Perry remade a classic(which everyone seems to be up in arms about and i have NO opinion about, one way or the other)....daylight savings time began...i lost 10lbs. Did i miss anything? =)

As you were.

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>:: fresh air ::<

"warrior's clause"
(A short poem)

stretching limbs into oblivion
I grind because my future is in it
Never one to complain
At least not in tones audible to huemans

Believing in the promise of tomorrow
Strengthens my passion of the right now
I give thanks for purpose and light
Minimal struggle to keep the happy medium visible

In my darkest hours, i have fashioned weapons of resilence
And though my journey continues on the straight and narrow
Facing my everday has never been more satisfying
Praise Jah.

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>:: sensuality ::<

touched pt. 2
("clothes on")

scents inside my nostrils
help me relive the impossible
burned images of intimacy
not sex...just us...close

embrace you...breath in your body
cocoa butter...tastes well to my senses
lock fingers...as well as eyes
hearts beat symbiotic

cup your face with both hands
allow fingertips to walk your eyebrow line
kiss eyelids with a temporary meld of lips to skin
rub noses to feel the softness of being close

trace lip prints across your collar bone
reaching your neck for a slight pause
this is my favorite part...
the pulse increasing with speed as i stick my teeth out to lightly bite

your girlish moans receptive to my advances but...lay down
place my hands across your breast bone
circling your areola outside of your shirt
watching as your nipples rise in quaint agreement

forging a path down your navel
replacing my finger tips with a tongue
just wanted to see what your skin tasted like there
my face rises and falls with your slow rhythmic breathing

use both hands to feel the curves of your hips
squeeze them to paint pictures of bliss in my nerve endings
bite zippers and button
you jump slightly...surprise in your eyes...
you say..."we should stop..."
i say..."i agree...take your clothes off..."

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>: explosive :<

"the consumate angry poem"

sincerely me and you
that was my creed
when did it change?
who wrote the rules?

science this shit ain't
neither is it math
you can call it English
Shakespearean twist notwithstanding

choosing to accept the fallacy of this nightmare turned reality is feasible
cause...cause i always thought it was us against them
always thought we would find our way back to one another
but never at the expense of a misunderstanding

let the record reflect that i get it
that it isn't because you don't want it
fear consumes you and naturally our instinct is self-preservation
but trading that for depravation is not an option

when you get the gist of where i am coming from
and look at where you stand
just remember this was your choice
and i had no say in the matter at all...

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>: "Purge" :<

(backdrop song to this write is "the calm")

release a ton of stress
let go of the pressure in my chest
giving 100% but it still ain't my best
treadmilling in circles gets me no rest

reaching out my hand to the empty feeling of air
twisted negativity where postive living is rare
and dealing with my problems with not a hint of pomp, circumstance, or flair
breathing in and out accepting the truth of being right here

i deal better when i'm all alone
cut off the technology and go into my zone
picking the bad nutrients and severed flower stems from my bone
floating aimlessly through life is the life of a drone

never asked for this pain
if you holding an umbrella over me i can still feel the rain
the holes in my psyche keep me humble and in my lane
but to prevent inevitable discord i just hide my disdain

its sensible to regroup and find solid ground
but its hard when your body keeps feeling like kapow
an explosion through your system while you're tilling at the plow
my faith was once strong but now its nowhere to be found

and unless you've been in my shoes...you can't make me choose
my alarm clock is ticking and i can't keep hitting snooze
can't ignore the obvious and my vice of choice is booze
but if i keep down this rugged path i will end up on the news

so you see my smile maintained
and my perception of someone in my corner began to wane
i imagine life is harder for those who have accepted the fame
money and trappings of a star make it easier to ignore the shame...unless you're Kurt Cobain

this is all from my head
sharing my personal strife is a choice that i dread
dealing with these demons will make you chase prison and feds
but its also the very reason why i'm not yet...dead.

if you truly can relate
you already know my fate
being strong in the face of opposition
the best direction i can head in...i just wish someone would listen
placing my crown underneath water is not so i can glisten
but mostly to drown out the world and hope i'm not found by an old man fishing

you may think i've given up
look again...this is the beginning of my rise
if you look into my eyes...
you'll see a warrior spirit with her focals on the prize
concentrating on the future and not looking back at my demise

just know my head is in the right place
i try to avoid mental brawls
but every now and again i, too, can hit some walls
trying to pick myself up and get to moving on my on
but facing reality and realizing at this moment my life is on....pause.

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>: face it :<

"strike a match"

part of the heart of my art
leans toward peace and sustenance
picking your battles doesn't make one stronger
especially if you only fight when winning is a certainty

standing in the face of opposition is my strong suit
the measure of a hueman grows there most
choosing the path of least resistance makes your persistence seem...
futile.

when exercising the freedoms of speech
it is best to rely on cautionary wisdom
lest one stands on a soap spouting conspiracy theories
speeches and marches only reach those who already know about it

the pretext of your context is obvious
you seek to destroy the idea of dissension
but...outside the box is where fertile ideas are seeded
and i am just the right amount of sunshine the world needs...
try to stop me.

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>: inside you're ugly :<

"superficial inner beauty"

your mask is your solace
an escape from the trepidation of real time
so long as the facade of genuine concern is present
no one will see past the faux pas of your mishaps

see me...i'm an action verb
you are more like a set of cloudy adjectives
pretend the colorfulness in your personality is truth
spirit eyes can see beneath your surface

outside your body is a temple
you tell us that respect of your inner is a must
how can this rightfully exist when you allow violations?
for i am but a storyteller observing your story

they don't love you...you don't love you
and choosing to accept materialism for affection
is just another ill-fated choice in your book trilogy
change the book...turn the page...
accept it all...without the mask...
that is the beauty that lies beneath...

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>: erotica #20 :<

"public"

venture to the idea of being caught
using your imagination
picture warm theaters and projector scenes
think of me fingering you in quiet seclusion

innocent trips to Baskin Robbins
ending in ocean views & sands
melted ice and milk dripping across your breasts
wind grazing your inner thighs

you see the starry nights in our backyard
legs spread open wide on a lawn chair
pool water reflecting the twinkle in the sky
tea candles illuminate your wetness...we are clear for landing

press the top floor of a 50 story building
ride with me to floor 25...halfway there
Enter the stairwell and lean you face first into the wall
inside of you, the steps reverb with our pleasure

let's try this shirt with these pants...
see if something fits your curves to perfection
insert my fingers inside your queendom
whispering your favorite mantra..."this pussy is mine."

assume we are traveling across country
rest stops lined up for this purpose
can you see your face between my legs
when you and i go public?

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>: 50 poems..or close :<

"instant vintage"

history teaches that if you learn not from it, it cycles
the cyclical conclusion of our experience is under rated
too much power was given in a scenario not likely
nothing ever materialized but the desire to manifest...desire
unwritten promises inscribed on the veins connecting to the heart
hoping that hope doesn't leave me hopeless
waiting patiently for our forever but dealing with the right now
BEing here between pause and fast forward is comfortable...just don't stop
this is our story...some day i hope to finish writing it with you...

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:: Commentary: money is the root of all evil

a few weeks ago, i tweeted how i believed that as long as we live in a monetary society, we would always live in a system of inherit debt. I think it was taken out of context...possibly because i never put it in the correct context lol.

My reference to money is not that of the physical paper that is denoted to be "legal tender"...nor of the digital transactions that allow you to pay whatever debts you owe when your paycheck hits your checking account. I am referencing those institutions presently in control of the distribution of money...and debt.

The Federal Reserve....ha...no more federal than Fed-Ex. i am not going to place my research here for you to divide and devour....it is something everyone should look into...and how the majority of people working for this awful place are the very banks that you deposit your checks into for savings and repaying the debt. JP Morgan Chase, Citigroup, and Bank of America just to name a few of the offenders. there is where you can start your research but i can tell you that what you uncover may...well...piss you the hell off...or it can make you want to continue being a sheep...with wool around the eyes removed.

Also, it is important to note one thing about debt: you will NEVER get out of it. Debt is something inherently built into the monetary system. What you didn't know? take into consideration the terms "inflation" and "interest". sure you may have a good credit score and do what you can to ensure your bills are paid on time and yadda yadda yadda...but the money that you have in your pocket right now(or account) already has debt attached to it because of those aforementioned terms prior to you ever touching it or even spending it.

Research it. i am really not giving any answers in this post because i want people to be hungry enough to seek change of some sort. there is never a perfect solution to any problem we as a society face....but there definitely are BETTER things out there that we need to look into....for our children's sake. think phreely and think differently.

hopefully, don't be as you all were.

p.s. commentary coming soon on why i started the "outside the race" poetry series

p.p.s. here is a good place to start: www.zeitgeistmovie.com

:: Eargasm ::

Enigma - "Traces" (Light and Weight) you're welcome.

:: and then this one... ::

Outside of the Race #1

Black is not a color...there i said it
So opens the flood gates of the new Negro's intellect
I'm a third party viewing this nonsense
Draped in African headdress doesn't bring the struggle closer to you

How you say my blackness doesn't exist because I don't fly the flag?
This class ism has me on pause when you're a willing participant
Measuring my culture by your cultist ways
Forgive me if I tell you and your ancestors to go to hell

We already there...nobody got us fighting each other but us
You right...I'm beneath you and your survivalist mentality
I preach freedom for ALL peoples...unbiased glory for all
Reach the mountain top holding hands in unison uplifted

Your color lines keep you color blind
There is no progress in your pretext
Downgrading the interruption of everything
Simply put....YOU are trivializing the struggle.

as you all were.

:: Poetry Corner ::

The Great

I blow breath mimicking 4 corner winds

Stand up to me and you're bound to collapse

Oxygen mask and defibrillator non-inclusive

Resuscitate your life through magnified lenses

Substance abuse can't jack my willpower

I've been taught to devour and leave no trace

DNA evidence notwithstanding your court trials

A superb being....mortal and immortal intertwined

Finish your sentence...quit pausing for ellipsis

Treasure seekers find no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow

You chasing technicolor dreams to catch me

I'm monochrome...black and white...between the lines

You can let ink bleed on tree sapped appendages

Notebooks and laptop GUI's for your viewers

I inscribe decrees of solace in the heart of monsters

Goblins and ghouls...stretch nonsense into sensibility

Verses you can see without glasses

Microscopic particles to up the ante on insanity

So when they ask you who i was...just tell them

"She was a being with no boundaries...and the world that is your mind was her playground."

as you all were.