i think this is the first time i have typed in this blog from a computer since...March of last year. All of the other entries were done from my Hero.
it has been quite the year. 2010. the only thing i could think to do is to wave a white flag of surrender when it was all said and done. i am grateful to know that there were people out there who experienced a multitude of good blessings and overall upliftment. I had my spots of such but in all honesty, it really did suck for me.
Lately, i have been thinking about my past. Yes, yes i know. doesn't seem like a place i should visit often. It is the curious side of me that wants to know why whatever didn't work the way that I'd envisioned it...then i remember that whole "best laid plans of mice and men" quote.
The past year i have had my heart broken more times than i can count...either by my own hand or someone else's...i have tried, in vain, to separate the pain from the memory...it is a struggle to say the least...wounds with no scab to process the healing...and it seems that my mental state wants to grieve...needs to go through these fluctuating emotions of questioning my worth to...well anyone....even self. because after so much REJECTION, you really start to feel that all of that arrogance in being the shit only occupies the residual output that is one's own mind...and no one elses.
It is common knowledge if you keep experiencing the same outcome with different people, there is something in you that keeps drawing these type of people to you...i thought this was a lesson that i learned but it is obvious by the tumultousness of last year that i am still a work in progress. still having to shed the notion that i have "it" already.
No one really gets me. It use to bring me great joy that i was enigma...now, as i draw closer to old age(lol), it is more of a nuisance than anything. so here's a cut and dry list of things about me you should know if you are reading this: 1) i am very sensitive. if i allow you to get close to me, you will see this more often than not. 2) i am extra damn shy...still...at this age. 3)if there is something that is out there that i want, and i want bad enough, i WILL get it. shy nature, notwithstanding. 4) i have a hustler's spirit and a warrior's heart. if you do not know what that means, i can't help you. 5)i love hard....especially those who later down the line show me that they never deserved it. this is in reference to the previous entry about being exhausted with healing people. i am over THAT phase but still, in general, i love HARD.
my growth is forever growing. rest your understanding on that.
as you were. 2011 style.
2 comments:
Well written.
That list is almost the same for me except the hustler spirit part!
I'm curious to know what the hell was going on with u this past year... Questioning self worth is never a good look. We've grown so far apart yet I feel connected enough to still be allowed in your personal business #arroganceftw lol
finally, in the spirit of debate, wtf does it mean to "love hard??" 0_o :)
first, i slightly chuckled at this response. you still have no sense lol
second, i guess the best way to explain what has been going on is the quote that i often use from my fav movie: "a masterpiece of minimalism". don't act like you didn't know my response would be vague. we're still close...just not in a wetalkeverydaysoyouknowmeknowme type of way...wall of hoes son.
finally, loving hard to me consists of giving %110 of whatever you have to give to whomever...and even when they disappoint you, which everyone is capable of, you still love them. i guess loving hard in my eyes is the unconditional love that appears to be a fading tradition in most relationships.
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