>:: wake up and sniff the coke ::<

it's been a crazy 2 weeks....replete with drama and then more drama...but i'm starting to wade through the water and resurface....one true thing in life....when you go down so far....there is no other choice but to go up....or further down....and i have been battling with inner demons...past and present...trying to get even keeled because i refuse to take any of the madness that is my life into the age of 30.

i'm less likely to put up with shit....and because of that i've lost an ass of people that were in my inner square(circles are continuous. remember i said that.)....in the begninning it was painful...VERY painful....but my guess is that eventually i'll look back at all this and wonder what in the hell i was tripping about in the first place....

my spirit isn't broken....i am not bitter....and i don't want you. nor have i ever needed you. nor will i ever request your presence in my life again. believe me when you've walked the road i have, you learn inner strength and resolve....you learn that the most reliable alliance you can have is with yourself...and you learn that just because someone was the subject of your favorite fantasy, doesn't mean that you are meant to Be with them. so i pledge from this moment forward to say what i feel...and if my loins are more attracted to you than my mind, that is exactly what i will tell you....it is time to own up to the actions i've committed over the last few months....and let all that stupid shit go....and let you birds fall out of the sky.

that is all....for now....

>:: things fall apart 4 ::<

this is the true story...of 1 stranger picked to live in a world....and have her life blogged about....to find out what happens....when people stop being polite....and start being real....

true in living, you get what you ask for...and i don't know how many times i have to tell people that if all you seek is someone who visually stimulates you....then *insert ringing bell here* that is ALL YOU"LL GET....what kind of person puts wings on a pig and expects it to become an eagle??? of course that last sentence makes no sense as does wanting a family and to settle down and the perfect mate and you're doing everything you can to sabatoge what good does enter your life...and then wonder why you can't find happiness...you sad little gated community individual....maybe you should start with self....and actually FIX whatever the hell it is that causes you to keep driving the good in your life away.....

look i'm only going to type this ONE LAST TIME....and quote the good Katt Williams: "If you're over 25 and you're STILL attracting ain't shit niggas, then you need to figure out what it is about your pussy that keeps attracting ain't shit niggas...."

if you need help figuring this out, re-read this entry....and send all questions to phreethoughts@gmail.com...remember, you can remain anonymous....

i was once one of you....and i'm here to help. really.

>:: things fall apart part 3 ::<

i suppose i should just go ahead and make this a series....

anddddd....this entry is going to be an ode to the missed opportunities...please play copycat in your various blogs if you so choose because i think everyone needs to do this at some point in your life....just to move forward....

being rejected...or not given a chance to grow into something wonderous is...dismal....almost heartbreaking....i have identified 7 times in my life where i met women who i thought i gelled(not changing that) with and it turned out to either fizzle or as my sister from another mother would say, they japped out....i can't even explain the die downs....i just know that what i wanted, they either couldn't offer or didn't try to...i'm a firm believer in compatibility....but i also know that most of the relationships i entered that lasted a few years weren't because we had everything in common...actually, i HATE dating someone that i have everything in common with...it makes the interaction SO boring because there is no room for dissent or a different view....who the hell wants to date a yes woman? o_O

anyone, this is the RIP entry...so to you few sparks of energy that were extinguished, i thank you kindly for your time....

for those that rejected me, i thank you for reminding me that i'm not as dope a person as i thought i am...

and for those that never gave me a chance....well....i still harbor bitter feelings toward you that i'm trying to get over....i despise this worse than rejection because at LEAST you're given an absolute reason why shit ain't fly.....but i digress....i'll let it go...someday....and hopefully soon...

carry on...

>:: PSA: things fall apart 2 ::<

i hate the color red. never have liked wearing it but most people say because i am light-skinned that it suits me...i'm typing in this color for a reason though...i'm quite irritated while thinking of the shit i've been dealing with over the last few months...be it personally or professionally...

i'm still at that stage of life where people mistake my kindness for weakness...you know because i speak softly....don't raise my voice....and talk like i walked with 19th century poets and exchanged ideas of when being a hueman mattered...yes, all of that....passive sometimes...but i can become aggressive...and for those that have witnessed those moments...it isn't something you would pride yourself on seeing.

i am not weak....i am not a pushover....and i am not here for your amusement....i'm not here to provide entertainment...and i sure as shit ain't here to give you a thrill of the moment....if what you seek is something other than intelligence....positive energy...educated....real and raw to the motherfuckin' core....then don't waste my time. PLEASE. don't waste me time.

carry on.

>:: things fall apart ::<

it amazes me how the ex can seem like the best thing since sliced bread once we are no longer together...she does things that a real friend would...and i surmise that is the direction that we should try to veer toward...friends...that was the direction we were walking before venturing into a relationship...it is a positive upswing from the downward spiral we were traveling...and i am forever grateful that i can stand before her and offer something that perhaps even before i was incapable of giving...a genuine person and a genuine friend.

see....i'm growing up.

as you all were.